Learning, Yearning, and Journeying...?

I don’t know why people think the twelve disciples were so holy.

I mean, I used to think the same thing, but I’m beginning to realize the opposite. Jesus was passing by and He’s just like, “Hey, you. Come with me.”  These disciples were fishermen and tax collectors.  Basically, jerks, liars, and such.  Or the tax collectors were at least.

But despite this, Jesus gave them authority to cast out demons and heal people.  He calls them, these sinners and jerks and doubting people, to go out and spread the Gospel.

Where is our faith?

I’ve lately been overwhelmed by my lack of faith and the world’s lack of faith.  Mostly mine, though.  I’ve always thought that I had faith, but man.  No way.  I only ask small things, because in reality, unconsciously, I don’t believe God will do bigger things.  I think He’ll disappoint me.  I think He’ll let me down.  Why in the world do I believe that? (Answer: I’m a disciple.  Not a direct disciple, but still.  Even the disciples dealt with this.) I just can’t believe myself.  I have no reason to not believe God will do something.  And if I do, I bet my life that it’s because I didn’t believe He would come through.

I can’t get this out of my head:

“And [the demon] has often cast [my son] into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to [the father of the son],  “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it,  “You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.”

God, I believe.  Please help my unbelief.